Dear Gorm: Jacked of Hearts

by Jeff Harris

 

Dear Gorm,

I hesitate to write this for fear my Queen may see it, but I need the wisdom one can only find in the earth bound races. I serve a fickle and wicked queen who calls for beheadings when a subject displeases her. I’d raise my hand against her but then I’d turn to the white court which is no better.

I have considered feeding her drugged tea and cakes to calm her wayward emotions, but I fear being caught or captured. I see the same reservations in the eyes of my peers but I fear being a ringleader or ig branded a traitor.

Is it better to flee? Should I take violent action? Should I bide my time and hope an opportunity for change presents itself?

Sincerely,

Jacked of Hearts

 

Dear Jacked of Hearts,

Lad, I can hear the fear in your words, plainer than even your writing to me about it.  And in that fear is your problem and your weakness.  If you truly mean to rise against your unjust queen, then you need to swallow that fear, for fear is the death of courage.  By your own tongue you name her wicked and fickle, but at the same time you quiver and cower in her shadow.

Thus lad, what you need to do is step out of that shadow, and strengthen your heart with resolve.  If wicked your queen be, and then let that wickedness fuel your righteous fury.  If fickle she is, then thrown down your oaths to her and fight for meaning, if not freedom.   Sure as her headsman harvests his grim cop, you will be needing to do some harvesting of your own.  Cull the honorable from the craven, the valorous from the meek.  Do not run from battle with your queen, nor her dark servants, nor bide your time for each tick of the watch is another death.   Nor is your plan to drug your queen an answer, for it is naught but the act of a coward.  As long as fear runs in your veins, then the blood will run from the gibbet.  To resist this evil you need to purge your heart of fear lad, for fear is the commodity that your queen rules with.

Lead by example, throw off your chains and rise against, let your queens subjects see your courage, for hope is a candle that once lit cannot be extinguished, it only grows hotter and brighter.  If you would be free of your tyrant, then you must be the spark that lights the candle, a light against the darkness within and without.  If I’m not mistaken a Jack is a lord, and now is the time for a rightful lord to stand firm. 

                                                                                                                      Rise and hold fast,

                                                                                                             Gorm “Gormie” Mountainchewer

Dear Gormie: An Angry Gamer Sandwich

(by Jeff Harris channeling his character)

 

In the fine tradition of Dear Abbie and Anne Landers, we at The Flying Pincushion wanted our fantasy readership to have access to good solid gaming advice for gaming problems. In an effort to provide the most grounded advice we are tapping a wise dwarven barbarian druid known as Gormie Mountainchewer. Dwarves after all are keen problem solvers, also for some reason they seem to have a little Scottish in their accents. Enjoy.

Oh and neither The Flying Pincushion nor any of its authors condone or even recommend the advise in this column. It is intended for entertainment purposes and we are not responsible for anyone dull witted enough to hurt themselves carrying out this advice… You have been warned.

Dear Gormie,

When adventuring with my two boon companions they often disagree and ruin an otherwise good time. One is a werewolf and the other a troll and they always put me in the middle of their arguments. As an Orc it’s really hard not to lose my temper and mediate between the two, what would you recommend?

I should note we rotate leadership on our adventures and it seems to be heavier when one of them is in charge then when I’m in charge. That said everybody likes to take their turn being in charge.

~GM meat in an angry gamer sandwich.

 

Dear GM meat in an angry gamer sandwich,

                I ‘m feeling your pain lad, because it gets mighty sticky in your place.  Not sure that sharing the thinking job is the best for your lot, but if that’s the way you lads do it, then that’s your rub and ol’ Gormie can’t fix that.

                So here’s what you should do, you take all the anger your friends create in you and push it WAY down inside.  Feel it as a little black ball of rage in your center of being.  And for a while every time your two” leaders” argue over this or that, you just keep adding to the ball, saving up all your bad feelings for the right time. 

                Because for sure there’s gonna come a time that your friends constant battles will go too far, and then the lads will punch out their arguments.  The trick here is lad, to make sure they have themselves their tiff at a bad time.  And then that when you let all that stocked up rage come flowing out, and you either beat both of them senseless and now you are the leader, or you save their bloody hides and then your the leader. 

                And there you’ve got it, the real point is once you shame the werewolf and taunt the troll about the womping or saving them, your tusked self will be sitting right fine as the REAL leader, you know, the toughest and smartest one, savior of your companions.

                                                                                                                                                    

Best o’ luck,

Gorm “Gormie” Mountainchewer                           



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