by Jeff Harris
Disclaimer: Gormie is a Dwarven barbarian and advice colunmist. The publishers of this blog do not condone voilence nor do weaccept any liability for the advice offered here. This content is for entertainment purposes so if you push all your negative emotions deep down into a black ball of rage and release it at an inappropriate time please be aware we do not accept liability.
Dear Gorm,
I live in downstairs division of a house with two apartments. For years this has been a wonderful place to live, the rent is affordable and the landlord even provides freshly chopped wood to heat my home in the winter as part of the rent!
Unfortunately, the really attractive half elf that used to live upstairs moved out and a hearing impaired Ettin hermaphrodite moved in. The two heads are male and female.
One would think that a deaf Ettin would eb a quiet neighbor but that has not proven the case. The Ettin plod around stomping. The Ettin sings loud and tunless music saying it like "the beats" what ever that means. The Ettin argues with itself, which somehow still consists of screaming and stomping about.
More disturbingly the Ettin sometimes makes noises that I have come to recognize as sex. Thee noises are primal and loud and beyond strange.
I don't want to move, I want the Ettin to either leave or at least learn some consideration. I have tried polite but firm notes. I have had an interpreter do sign language and had conversations. I've tried the landlord, I've even summoned the watch when they were disturbing the peace too late at night. None of it is working; the two heads don't get along and when they argue it doesn't matter who suffers for it, at all hours.
I have been sharpening my axe and pondering an amputation, perhaps with one head gone I can tolorate the other. What should I do Gorm?
The Sleepless Headsmen
Dear Sleepless Headsman,
After
reading your letter lad, I had to do me some serous thinking. Now mind you, normally ol’ Gormie would tell
you to unleash all your balled up rage and just burry that axe in its/his/her
skull and be done with it.
But you
sound like a nice lad, and we don’t want you ending up breaking rock for life
or meeting an axe yourself in the town square.
So here’s a few ways that I’m for thinking you can take back your kip.
First
you can try and hire yourself a drum beating bard, and when that shrieking the
ettin calls singing starts up, you have that bard wail out the loudest most
obnoxious tune he knows. Because you
know the secret here is lad, it’s fighting noise with even more annoying noise. Hopefully if you have that there bard keep up
the tune, the ettin will eventually get the picture and leave off with the
clamor.
However,
ol’ Gormie knows a thing or two about giants, and because an ettin is two
giants all at once, the percussion counter attack might not be enough. So here’s plan number two, which I like to
call kilt-atrocity. Now, mind you, this
course o’ action is not for the faint of heart or bashful. Because what you do is first, every time you
see that ettin coming or going from his kip you make sure to be there, wearing
that kilt and nothing else. Leave your
broadsheets outside the door till it/he/she appears, then go and pick up your
broadsheet, making sure to give the ettin a good view of your naked as the day
you were born ass. Even better lad, make
exquses to go up to the ettin’s kip, and ask to barrow a cup of goat milk or
some salt, again, wearing naught but your kilt.
Hopefully the ettin will be so disturbed by all that hairy man flesh
that it/he/she will move out.
Now, if
that don’t work, then there’s one last trick you can try, but a warning to the
paladin-like, it’s not something all folk are usually willing to do. Your letter said that, ugh, the ettin likes
to do the slippery naughty loudly, thus you are going to fight fire with
fire. You will need to rent yourself the
most wanton and willing doxies that the docks have to offer, and bring one home
every night. Try to make sure that the
ettin sees you coming home with the trollop, and is home to feel you put that
twenty gold you paid her to good use, I mean really get that headboard banging. Do this for several weeks, all the while
bring home a new lady of the evening every evening. And to add to the ruse, what you will also do
is after each coin girl leaves, take yourself an ugly colored candle and drip
some wax on your arms and legs. The
little blobs look allot like plague boils, which you will want to make sure the
ettin also sees, hell, even pick a few off and let them bleed a little.
Well,
there you have it, three ways to get rid of one two-headed headache. Oh, and should all three of my fine plots
fail, you can always just smear the critter with peanut butter while it sleeps
and let all the stray mutts have a go, but you didn’t hear that from me. Best o’ lucky with your giant slaying.
Keep
your axe sharp,
Gorm
“Gormie” Mountainchewer
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