Thursday, August 15, 2013

Dear Gorm: The sleepless headmen

by Jeff Harris
Disclaimer: Gormie is a Dwarven barbarian and advice colunmist. The publishers of this blog do not condone voilence nor do weaccept any liability for the advice offered here. This content is for entertainment purposes so if you push all your negative emotions deep down into a black ball of rage and release it at an inappropriate time please be aware we do not accept liability.
Dear Gorm,
I live in downstairs division of a house with two apartments. For years this has been a wonderful place to live, the rent is affordable and the landlord even provides freshly chopped wood to heat my home in the winter as part of the rent!
Unfortunately, the really attractive half elf that used to live upstairs moved out and a hearing impaired Ettin hermaphrodite moved in. The two heads are male and female.
One would think that a deaf Ettin would eb a quiet neighbor but that has not proven the case. The Ettin plod around stomping. The Ettin sings loud and tunless music saying it like "the beats" what ever that means. The Ettin argues with itself, which somehow still consists of screaming and stomping about.
More disturbingly the Ettin sometimes makes noises that I have come to recognize as sex. Thee noises are primal and loud and beyond strange.
I don't want to move, I want the Ettin to either leave or at least learn some consideration. I have tried polite but firm notes. I have had an interpreter do sign language and had conversations. I've tried the landlord, I've even summoned the watch when they were disturbing the peace too late at night. None of it is working; the two heads don't get along and when they argue it doesn't matter who suffers for it, at all hours.
I have been sharpening my axe and pondering an amputation, perhaps with one head gone I can tolorate the other. What should I do Gorm?
The Sleepless Headsmen
Dear Sleepless Headsman,
                After reading your letter lad, I had to do me some serous thinking.  Now mind you, normally ol’ Gormie would tell you to unleash all your balled up rage and just burry that axe in its/his/her skull and be done with it. 
                But you sound like a nice lad, and we don’t want you ending up breaking rock for life or meeting an axe yourself in the town square.  So here’s a few ways that I’m for thinking you can take back your kip. 
                First you can try and hire yourself a drum beating bard, and when that shrieking the ettin calls singing starts up, you have that bard wail out the loudest most obnoxious tune he knows.  Because you know the secret here is lad, it’s fighting noise with even more annoying noise.  Hopefully if you have that there bard keep up the tune, the ettin will eventually get the picture and leave off with the clamor.
                However, ol’ Gormie knows a thing or two about giants, and because an ettin is two giants all at once, the percussion counter attack might not be enough.  So here’s plan number two, which I like to call kilt-atrocity.  Now, mind you, this course o’ action is not for the faint of heart or bashful.  Because what you do is first, every time you see that ettin coming or going from his kip you make sure to be there, wearing that kilt and nothing else.  Leave your broadsheets outside the door till it/he/she appears, then go and pick up your broadsheet, making sure to give the ettin a good view of your naked as the day you were born ass.  Even better lad, make exquses to go up to the ettin’s kip, and ask to barrow a cup of goat milk or some salt, again, wearing naught but your kilt.  Hopefully the ettin will be so disturbed by all that hairy man flesh that it/he/she will move out.
                Now, if that don’t work, then there’s one last trick you can try, but a warning to the paladin-like, it’s not something all folk are usually willing to do.  Your letter said that, ugh, the ettin likes to do the slippery naughty loudly, thus you are going to fight fire with fire.  You will need to rent yourself the most wanton and willing doxies that the docks have to offer, and bring one home every night.  Try to make sure that the ettin sees you coming home with the trollop, and is home to feel you put that twenty gold you paid her to good use, I mean really get that headboard banging.  Do this for several weeks, all the while bring home a new lady of the evening every evening.  And to add to the ruse, what you will also do is after each coin girl leaves, take yourself an ugly colored candle and drip some wax on your arms and legs.  The little blobs look allot like plague boils, which you will want to make sure the ettin also sees, hell, even pick a few off and let them bleed a little.
                Well, there you have it, three ways to get rid of one two-headed headache.  Oh, and should all three of my fine plots fail, you can always just smear the critter with peanut butter while it sleeps and let all the stray mutts have a go, but you didn’t hear that from me.  Best o’ lucky with your giant slaying.
                                                                                                                                                                Keep your axe sharp,
                                                                                                                                Gorm “Gormie” Mountainchewer

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